PS 3537 
.H34 Z2 
1916 
Copy 1 



ZEKIEL'S 
DMESPUN PHILOSOPHIES 



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ZEKIEL'S HOMESPUN 
PHILOSOPHIES 



BY 



SARAH TAYLOR SHATFORD 

Author of ''Birds of Passage," etc. 



There is a fence about the farm, but there is 
TW fence between the farm and the stars. 

George Hodges, D.D. 




BOSTON 

SHERMAN, FRENCH & COMPANY 

1916 






Entered at Stationers' Hall 
All rights reserved 




Copyright, 1916 
Sheeman, Feench & Company 

NOV 28 1916 

©CI.A445847 



CONTENTS 

PAGE 

FiGGERED Up 1 

Germitis 2 

Savin' Up S 

A Silhouette Bride 4 

Pickin' Winners 5 

The Bummers 6 

Mutual 7 

Straight Ahead 8 

Love's Wings — Elastic 9 

Zekiel Homespun . 10 

From Missouri 11 

Jim 12 

Scotia 14 

OURN . 15 

Somethin' to Relate . 16 

Sweet Olive 17 

Supferin' Yet 19 

Fetchin' Her Home .21 

No Set Rule 23 

The Proof 25 

The Mists 27 

Tendin' The Auction 28 

A Cowslip's Slip SO 

Mary- Jane 33 

Least a Try 34 

Cold-Storage 36 

Steve's Break-away 37 

Up to Mike 40 

Sam's Chance 41 

What's Happiness? 43 

Misfits 45 

Skinem and Company 46 

Wings 47 

Dressed, Undressed 48 

Nacherly 49 



PAGE 

Bankrupt 51 

Bet-cher~life ! , . 53 

Mush 54 

An Epitaph , 55 

The Game of Life 56 

Pedigrees 57 

Plain .58 

Jake's Estimate 59 

The Price 60 

Two Times One 61 

Steve — Prodigal 62 

Tildy-Ellen 64 

Prospectin* 65 

A Black Eye 66 

Missionary Work 67 

In the Discard 69 

When Pa Was Young 70 

Victory 71 

Hunkey Dorey 72 

Marthy- Ann's Style .73 

Katydid Farm 75 

A Sight or Two 77 

Narrowed Down . 78 

For a Truth 79 

Might-have-beens 80 

Furget It! 81 



ZEKIEL'S HOMESPUN PHILOSOPHIES 



FIGGERED UP 

Ain't no better oif, as I can see, 

Than when I fust begun ! 

I've worked an' slaved and toiled and saved; 

Never have had any fun ! 

Ain't never been away from hum 
No further than the gate! 
I always longed to see the sights 
They tell about up-state! 

No; I've jus' worked an' worked an' worked, 

An' saved up fur old age; 

An' lived in this cove hamlet here, 

Like a bird lives in a cage. 

No, I ain't read so awful much. 
Hired hands wuz always scarce ; 
An' when there's any farmin' on. 
They're even pretty sparce ! 

Some days I set an' figger up 
What's mine when all is done! 
Ain't no better off as I can see 
Than when I fust begun. 



[1] 



GERMITIS 

" So much fur germs ! At last we know 
The very bugs that eat, an' grow, 
An' cause all human ills ! 
At last we know the germs that kill ! 
There's only one or two to seek. 
An' each day now, some man may speak 
An' say they're ketched at last. 
Our scientists are not outclassed ! " 
Said Sorghum, at the country store, 
While reading the " News Topics " o'er. 

" Yes, yes," said Slickum, " all that's true ; 
But what gits me, — an' must git you, — 
Is people die on jus' the same 
As 'fore these bugs were called by name 
By all these specialists in fame. 

" The coffin-business seems to thrive, 
An' men can no more keep alive 
Than when yer grand-dad et his fill 
Of all the stuff they say is swill, — 
Frum coffee down to pickled-swine. 
You'll take yer chance.'* . . . 

. . . Wal . . . I'll take mine!" 



[2] 



SAVIN' UP 

Yes, Martin saved most everything 
Both he an' his'n earned ; 
They never drank a glass o' milk 
That wasn't skimmed or churned ! 

The farmers came to thresh his grain, 
For love of makin' hay ! 
He beat 'em down to the last cent ; 
Then said it didn't pay ! 

When Ellen died from overwork, — 
An' rested the first time 
That ever was her own to take 
Since weddin'-bells did chime, — 

The neighbors said, " Yer wife was good. 
An' sure was a help-meet." 
Mart said, " If I'd had six like her, 
I'd be up in Wall Street!" 



[3] 



A SILHOUETTE BRIDE 

Armantha in her silhouette 
Walked slowly up the aisle, 
An' gave the villagers a sight 
To hold 'em fur awhile I 

An' Uncle Abe, an' Cousin Sue, 
Who come from Cricketsville 
To 'tend the weddin' silhouette. 
Are talkin' of it still ! 

Sue says, " I'll never tell her 

She forgot her petticoat! 

For how she'd feel, if she jus' knew 

That folks could see her through-an'-through ! 

'Twould be a jarrin' note! " 

An' Abe says, " Well, byhek, it's true. 
I've spent a quarter, yes, an' two, — 
An' didn't see as good a show 
As 'Mantha's silhouette, yo' know ! " 



[*] 



PICKIN' WINNERS 

You may bet upon yer games o' chance 

An' stan' some chance to win; 

You may figger on a dead sure cinch 

An' cash yer tickets in! 

But when it comes to pickin' out 

The wimmin folk by rules, — 

You'll have to reckon 'gainst such odds 

As never taught in schools, 

An' own the game's a losin' one: 

Luck's only with the fools ! 



[5] 



THE BUMMERS 

They put three in the front bedroom, 

An' two cots in the hall, 

An' a settee in the parlor, 

To make room fur 'em all. 

An' ma she baked an' fussed all day, 

A-makin' pies an' things 

To feed the folks avisitin' 

Us here at Cricket Springs ! 

They think of us the hul year through, 

Longin' fur the summer 

Food they get when visitin' us ; 

At cookin' ma's a hummer! 

But this year I've been thinkin' some. 
While feedin' these " in-laws I " 

In winter time they never think 
To speak to Santa Claus, 
Nor fetch a gim-crack new for ma. 
Who broiled fur them those summers. 
I think I'll close the place next year, 
An' we will jine the bummers ! 



[6] 



MUTUAL 

Nothin' in the world is half so helpful, 

When you're run down at the heel an' feelin' 

blue, 
As to hear your brother his distress a-tellin'. 
An' how he's always had his troubles, too ! 

It mayn't be so Christian-like a feelin'. 
This gladness that the other's got his own ; 
But when you're down and out it makes you 

happy 
To know trouble don't trouble you alone! 

I've never tried to figger out this feelin' 

Of mutual hog-train knowledge in my breast ; 

— But when you're bent an' broke it makes yo' 

happy 
To know you ain't no different from the rest ! 



m 



STRAIGHT AHEAD 

"What's your religion, Zeke? " says I. 
" Have you some special creed you go by? 
And have you jined to some denomination, 
That keeps you straight, — from goin' to dem- 
nation? " 

" Tom," says he, " I'm no religionist,— I can't 

say as I be ; 
I keep a-drivin' straight in the middle of the 

road; 
An' makin' headway, seems to me, when I look 

back an' see my load ! 
It's alius ben the best that I could do. 
While I've never rented a church pew, — 
I've practiced, ' Do to others as you would 

they'd do to you.' 
I jus' keep drivin' straight ahead in the middle 

of the road; 
An' trust, when I reach ' Kingdom Come,' 
I'll find there an abode." 



[8] 



ii 6 



LOVE'S WINGS — ELASTIC 

Last year 'twas Phoebe; 

Now 'tis Maud. 

Next year 'twill be some other! 

For twelve months is the longest time 

That Jack can stand a tether ! 

Variety's the spice of life,' 
And tastes change so, by Jove! 
You can't exactly swear next year 
This time, you'll be in love." 

Phoebe squirmed to break away; 
Maud says life is a bore; 
So make the contract read, dear Judge, 
" For thirty days or more." 



[9] 



ZEKIEL HOMESPUN 

Zekiel Homespun cum to town 

To see the gals an' look aroun'. 

He'd forty bucks when he'd sold the cow; 

An' that's some money, we'll allow. 

But Meaderville, it ain't Noo York,- — 

No more'n a cane is a pitchfork ! 

Zeke never seen Noo York before, 

An' gettin' 'round was quite a chore, 

So when night's curtain was flung down, 

Zeke was the tiredest man in town! 

It's not so strange he took a nap 

Hangin' onto a subway strap; 

Though wa'n't it wonderful to go 

Under the ground on a railway so? 

That was the last Zeke says he knew; 

They found him where Coney zephyrs blew ! 

He don't remember a single thing 

'Cept he'd made up his mind to have his fling 

As he eyed two slazeys on the train, 

Laughin', winkin,' an' laughin' again. 

He don't want it told 'round Meaderville, 

But those gals was undressed jus' fit to 

kill. . . . 
— He showed his roll an' yaller-back bill ' — - 
Then can't remember from that until 
A cop braced him up 'gainst a winder-sill ! 
Yes-sir-ree. Zeke's honest as he can be ! 
Who got his roll ? Wal, that gits me ! . . . 

[10] 



FROM MISSOURI 

" It don't appear to me," said J. Weed Tee, 
" That the world an' folks is any better than 

they used-to-be. 
Now just show me ; fur I can't see. 
There ain't no homes; there ain't no marriage 

like in olden days. 
The world is richer? Yes, an' poorer in so 

many ways. 
There ain't no honors like they used-to-be ; 
There ain't no shame. We used to reckon, in 

my day, a name 
Was worth more than a bank could hold ; 
Now-a-days, yer name's summed-up with yer 

gold. 
There ain't no modesty nor virtue if I see 
The things a-stalkin' in broad day I think I 

see . . . 
Now, I'm frum Missouri, . . . an' you'll have 

to show me 
Jus' how, an' where, all things is better than 

they used to be." 



[11] 



JIM 

You spoke the word. That's true; there ain't 

no truer. 
Yes, Jim knows what it means here to be poor! 
He's supped with poverty ; so fur as this world 

goes, 
There ain't a wolf, or wolverine, but Jim, he 

knows ! 
They've come nigh ketchin' him, — not once, but 

twice, — 
An' would have, but the neighbors fetched a 

slice I 
But man-alive, I'd gladly have helped him 
Had I but knowed! . . . He never told. 

That's Jim! 

Yes, Jim is poor. But how many would change 
Their worldly goods, if they jus' had Jim's 

range 
O' wisdom 'neath their hats? As fur his 

heart, — 
If I should speak o' that, the tears mould start. 
There ain't another man like Jim on this green 

earth. 
The angels and the cherubims were present at 

Jim's birth! 
You're wrong. They hain't forsook him 

neither, here; 
He's prophet, sage, an' poet ! And a peer ! 

[IS] 



Gad, how I love that rusty coat o' Jim's. 
Yes, love it; jus' because it does hold him ! 
I hope, if Jim goes fust, I'll see it there 
A-waitin' fur me on the golden-stair, 
Holdin' the same grand tenant it's held here. 
To hell with all the folks that call Jim queer 



[13] 



SCOTIA 

" My wife's not hum. She's gone to church. 
At least she give me that excuse ! 
No, I don't go ! since war broke out, 
Gol-durn-me, I can't see the use. 

I used to set through prayers an' stunts 
The war has proved ain't done no good ! 
If God Almighty's anywhere. 
An' you can prove it, wish you would. 

I used to read the Bible through, 
An' ruminate on godless days ; 
But sence the war I've had no God : 
I can't see how it helps, nor pays. 

My church to-day is right at hum ; 
I'll do the very best I can ; 
But I don't want no God fur mine, 
The Germans claim is of their clan ! " 



[14] 



OURN 

JiMSON Weed Tee said canal tolls shotdd be 

free, 
An' he argified fair, it rather struck me ! 
Says our land is held up as fair liberty, 
An' gives all a hand, an' helps all to be 
Independent an' free ! 

We should look on free tolls as mere charity ; 
He says we are greater than that country 
That's fightin' to make the stream free; 
An' we're agin' trusts, an' glad when they 

busts, — 
An' we can afford to he liberal, an' must ! 

Tee's some politician. He's lived in D. C. ! 
An' knows what he's sayin', now, jus' believe me. 
But the thing I can't stan' for, nor can't under- 
stand. 
Is why we should need advice in our land 
From any old country that's across the sea. 
. . . Ain't what is ourn, ourn? 
Wal, by heck, it should be ! 



[15] 



SOMETHIN' TO RELATE 

You see, this is another world, 



"^5 



It's all so new to me, — 

Fur I was bom in Herkimer, 

Down in the same county. 

I feel the time's jus' wasted 

That I spend away from hum; 

There's so much there fur me to do 

It worries me quite some. 

But Jerushia asked me up here to spend the 

holidays ; 
She's way up in society, so I suppose it pays. 
I'll surely have some thoughts to think 
When I get back up state ; 
The doin's of society, — 
They're somethin' to relate ! 
Jerushia likes the city life , 
With all its noise an' whirl ; 
You'd never guess she'd lived back hum, — 
A regular Noo York girl ! 
Our Christmas dinner we all et 
In the walled off Castoria; 
I was humsick so I couldn't eat. 
But I felt like Queen Victoria ! 



[16] 



SWEET OLIVE 

'TwAs so long ago, — I almost dis remember, — 
But 'twas Spring ; the orchard was in bloom ! 
I see her when the apple-buds are bursting ; 
She's with me when the breeze brings their per- 
fume! 

As I near recall, Olive was 'bout 'round twenty, 
Though her hair she still wore then in curls ; 
She was always readin' books, an' never meddled 
With the things that almost always interest 
girls ! 

We spent hours an' hours in that old apple- 
orchard ; 

Seldom spoke a single blessed word. 

Did some one say that was the test of friend- 
ship ? 

Or maybe we jus' thought it ; have you heard? 

I used to suffer when folks called her 
" Tom-Boy " 

'Cause she fished an' hunted grouse with me; 

She was natural-girl, if God e'er made one, 

But country-folks know, too, that jealousy! 

Yes, she went away. She took sick in Decem- 
ber, 

An' left us, must have been some time in May: 

[17] 



I only know the orchard was a-bloomin'; 
And we laid her there, jus' where she wished to 
lay. 

The Spring is holy ! — No, I've never married. 
I take it little Olive was for me. 
So I've never even looked upon a woman, — 
But when the orchard blooms, she Ims with me ! 



[18] 



SUFFERIN' YET 

Old Squire Vim, of Burdock Farm, 
Took the BeetlevUle Review^ 
An' read it faithful, every word, 
An' the advertisin' through ! 

One day the Squire (a widower) 
Read o'er a line like this: 
" I want to meet a widower ; 
One not ashamed to kiss." 

He read it o'er, and o'er again ; 
An' wondered what it meant ! 
" Will answer any one," it said, 
" Most, who will pay the rent." 

The Squire had plenty, it was said. 
Though held it purty tight ! 
He hitched up, anyhow, and went 
Into the town that night. 

She seemed to want so little. 
This woman must be good: 
An' he was tired o' messin' food, 
An' choppin' of the wood. 

— But Burdock Farm no mistress knows ; 
The Squire is alone yet! 
For he demanded just one thing, — 
He'd wed no suffragette ! 
[19] 



" Whatever faults a wife may have, 
No wife o' mine, you bet, 
Can vote to run the country. 
Nor me example set ! 

" I'd sooner close up shop, and nail 
A big sign up, ' To Let,' 
Than trust my victuals, entrails too, 
To a bloomin' Sufferin' Yet!" 



[20] 



FETCHIN' HER HOME 

We hitched the old mare to a tree, 
An' waited fur the train 
That had been due since half-past-two ; 
'Twas four, an' pourin' rain! 

Lucindaj's boy was comin' home, 
An' fetchin' 'long his bride. 
The hull place knew it, so it seemed ; 
They'd come from fur an' wide I 

Lucinday stayed to hum today. 
An' sent us, every one: 
She had to set the place to rights ; 
Her bread, it wasn't done. 

But us who know Lucinday well 
Allowed she thought it best 
To see her bran' new darter 
First, away from all the rest. 

The gal Pete chose out fur his wife 
They say's a social queen; 
He sent a picter hum to us, — 
Gran', like you never seen ! 

Lucinday's skeered she won't like us ; 
But I jus' says to her. 
If she's picked Pete from all the rest, 
There's none can beat her fur ! 
[21] 



An' if she's taken him fur hem. 
An' liked Pete that a-well, — 
I guess she'll like his Pa an' Ma, 
An' stay with them a spell. 

Yo' see, a boy can't never be 
No better than his folks ! 
An' Pete will always be our boy 
Though with a queen he yokes ! 

He writ us that I you bet he did. 
Well, — here comes Number Eight ! 
Jus' brush that buggy off a bit. 
An' set the mare's hat straight ! 



[22] 



NO SET RULE 

Three gals old Quaker Ellis had, — 
Truly, an' Hope, an' Joy; 
(He took to bed with a pain in his head 
'Cause the last one wa'n't a boy.) 

He fetched 'em up, as Quakers do. 
Never to sin, or cheat, or fear ; 
But how folks plant pa'snips 
An' get mustard-greens, — 
Well, it certainly is queer. 

All good in the gals, for the most part. 

Was inherited strictly from him; 

The bad, from the mother's side o' the house; 

Her father was an old limb ! 

(At least Quaker Ellis said it; 

To dispute him the chance was slim.) 

" Truly " grew up to tell such lies 

As never were told on earth ; 

" Hope " was sullen an' backward, 

And fretful, — of little worth ; 

But " Joy " was the sorrow of Quakers, 

Whose teachin' she gave wide berth ! 

" Now, what's in a name? " says Ellis. 
"An' what's in the breed?" says Ma. 
" There never was such a raisin' by hand 
An' brain — never ! " says Pa. 

[23] 



There's no set rule that is certain, 
A-raisin' a brat or a cow; 
But Ellis says : " Boys are better 
An' easier raised, anyhow ! " 



[24] 



THE PROOF 

Josh Titcomb got religion 
An' stood up in the pew 
A-claimin' saints had saved him ; 
Henceforth his sins were few. 

It all come of a sudden ; 
There want no time to think! 
The preacher took Josh to the creek, 
Right straight down to its brink, 

Believin' if he took him at 
His word, an' saved him then. 
It wouldn't give Josh any time 
To change his mind again. 

Before they doused the bran-new clothes. 
Josh's wife had bought for him. 
He agitated on the woe 
Of life, an' all its sin ! 

Maria stood transfixed an' pale, 
A-listenin' to her mate 
Declaim how Satan loved the world. 
An' lurked in sinful state. 

At last his wife could stand no more 
(She'd been his twenty years. 
An' furnished both the bread an' meat, — 
Washed down with salty tears!). 

[25] 



So speakin' out, — as women will, — 
She begged to have a word 
Before immersion " took " on Josh, 
She asked that she be heard. 

" If this day changes all of life, 
An' makes it sweet fur me, 
Jus' get his promise on the spot. 
His woman he'll set free! 

" The minds of men are like the winds,- 
They vary with the skies ; 
An' any man's religion's changed 
By a woman's pair o' eyes ! 

" No use to duck him, Preacher, 
Or shrink that suit o' clothes ; 
Unless Josh means to give up her, — 
He's lyin' the Lord knows ! " 



[26] 



THE MISTS 

Jake's father was an optimist; 

He hadn't any sense ; 

On Sundays alius went to church, — 

Week days, collected rents 

But Jake, he is a pessimist! 

You ought to hear him spiel ! 

He says there ain't no life but this, 

An' it's more woe than weal! 

Jake's father alius stayed to hum; 

He loved the country air; 

But Jake has been across the pond 

An' traveled everywhere! 

The folks say Jake is awful smart. 

An' eddicated, too; 

I s'pose that brains must go with that 

Air pessimistic view ! 



[27] 



TENDIN' THE AUCTION 

" They're sellin' Hiram out today ; 
The sheriff's seized the place. 
Hi told me at the store jus' now 
With powerful solemn face ! 

" * I guess 'twill pay you to drive down, 
An' bid on them two calves, — 
Your wife's so set on havin' 'em; 
The price's cut in halves 
When folks is sold out 'gainst their will ! 

" * Leastways, 'twill do no harm. 
If you an' Liza want the calves, 
To drive down to the farm 
A little past two by the clock. 
An' say, — 'twill help me out; 
I'm in the durndest mess this time, — 
An' way in to the snout J ' " 

" ' So, Ma, jus' put yer bonnet on 
An' drive with me to town ; 
I'm goin' to pay the mortgage off 
Fur Hi, an' then go 'roun' 
An' wait till Sheriff Bob starts in, 
An' hand the paper up 
That'll save Hi's place, his stock an' all. 
Gad-up, Betsy ! . . . Gad-up ! 

[28] 



" Yo' see, the young ones never came 
To bless our old gray years, 
But Hi an' Susan's had a score 
That should have spared 'em tears ! 

" I take it that the Lord's been good, 
An' poured joy in our cup 
Enough to help out Hi an' Sue. . . 
Gad-up, Betsy ! Gad-up ! " 



[^9] 



A COWSLIP'S SLIP 

Steve hated' the farm. 

He'd come to loathe even the meller-eyed cows. 
He'd set by the hour 'neath the old willow- 
boughs, 
An' plan to escape (from himself). 

So sellin' a parcel o' land 

On a shelf by the sea, 
Steve closed up his ranch 

An' come to see me ! 

When a boy gets to moonin', 

An' spoonin' the gals, 
He needs change o' pasture, — 

Yes, even new pals ! 
'Twas this that ailed Steve. 

So takin' his leave of the place, 

" Meadow-Clover," 
He came to New York 

Jus' to look the gals over ! 

Steve was brown-haired and thin: 
One of them wimmin's dimples 

Stuck in his chin. 
He blushed like a girlf 
He was fine an' high-strung; 
An' his heart was a harp by a tender thread 
hung. 

[30] 



The place was alive 

With young squabs and chicks, 
Full o' ginger and pranks 

And city-gal's tricks, 
And Steve was that green. 
Being so tall an' slim, 
I wondered the heifers 
Hadn't grazed oif'n him! 

One night Steve was late ; 
It was most half-past-two. 
I feared for his safety. 
Between me an' you. 

The dawn broke ; 'twas sunrise ; 

Still no sign of Steve. 

The city's so wicked 

(Brush that tear from my sleeve) 

Plmn worried I was, you better believe ! 

At breakfast the bell rang, 

An' hurried feet fell; 

A uniformed officer stood at the bell. 

" I've brought back your cowslip. 
An' I'll give you a tip ; — 

* There's many a slip twixt the cup and the 
lip!'" 

. . . An' he handed out Steve . . . 
. . . From a hack at the door, 

[31] 



So battered, an' bruised, an' swollen, an' sore! 
As he said, " Now, good day ; go your way. 
But with this broken arm 

You won't be much use till the fall, on the 
farm ! " 

Steve told me this yarn : 

On one of the streets of the old Tenderloin 

(Where rare things like Steve get robbed of 

their coin) 
He saw two big bullies 
Molest a young girl, 
An' beat her, and kick her, — 
An' entered the whirl, 
An' struck 'em!' 

When one hauled him into a den. 
An' glory! if the police hadn't saved him just 

then, 
" Meadow Clover " would never have seen Steve 

again ! 

Steve says he'll go home; 
He longs to get back. 

He's parted with all of his roll an' his stack !' 
For those who will stand for a city life, let 'em ! 
If thugs haven't got, they may one day yet. 
Get 'em I" 



[3^] 



MARY-JANE 

" I PRIZED Mary-Jane as a gift frum heaven, 
An' though we had children (we've had seven), 
I'd ruther have laid 'em all away 
Than to face the loss I face today ! 

" You hear so much of inconstancy, 
An' disgruntled women recently ; 
But that's one thing that I can say, 
Now Mary- Jane has passed away: 
There wa'n't no time in our married life 
That she wa'n't a good, quiet, gentle wife. 
She never read books ! nor wanted to roam ; 
But was satisfied with her work at home. 
She never wished idly for finery ; 
But was a helpmate, an' glad to be. 

" Oh, dear, dear me, I can't see how 
That mortgage'll ever git lifted now ! " 



[33] 



LEAST A TRY 

Steve asked my advice, 
An' said he was willin' to leave it to me. 
He'd be'n up to Bentville too much recently, 
An' the fellers were guyin' an' winkin', I see, 
So I 'sposed 'twas a gal. 

Wal, — was he in earnest? 
Oh, yes, — yes — sir — ee. 

An' he driv every question (at least ninety- 
three) 
Thet a feller could ask about wimmin. 
At me. 

Trimmin' Steve down ( as he left it to me) , 
I asked him a few, between me an' you. 
Did he expect to be married, an' free? 
Was he tight over money as bark on a tree ? 
An' was he in love? (Fur you see, 
Steve had left it to me. ) 

'Twas 'cause he was lonely ; 

Too much freedom knew ; 

There wa'n't much in winter a farmer could do. 

He couldn't be dubbed any spender ; 

Still she should have hers, — he'd defend her. 

As fur bein' in love 

(An' here Steve dissembled), — 

He only knew this : when he kissed her. 

He trembled. 



" Go ahead, Steve," says I, 
(An' I looked in his eye) 
" Go ahead, an' God help you : 
The least you can give is a tri/.*' 



[36] 



j COLD-STORAGE 

Be sparin' o' praise to your wimmin-folk ; 
Don't let 'em fur get the marriage yoke ! 
There's many a wife gits the upper hand, 
An' bosses a man an' owns his land, 
Becuz he started right straight in wrong. 
An' praised his wife as he went along \ 

To keep a woman in her place. 
You have to wear a sullen face ; 
No matter what happens that's fit to laud, 
Don't nev^r praise 'em; never applaud. 
If you'd keep a woman in her place, 
Don't dress her up in lawn an' lace ; 
An' don't let on that she could please ! 
(What's in cold-storage is hound to freeze). 



[36] 



STEVE'S BREAK-AWAY 

Steve slipped into town. 

His wife had gone down 

To visit her maw ; 

An' Steve took the chance, — 

The first one he saw, — 

To stretch his poor wings, 

Tied up by such strings 

As marriage an' houses 

An' all of such things 

As a man "will take on him, fur life ! 

Steve's wife was the likeliest gal 

That Steven could find. But she wasn't no pal, 

Although she was kind. 

To wean Steve away 

From the lights an' the glare. 

An' carry him off to a jail anywhere. 

No woman e'er lived who could do it! 

If she tried, she would certainly rue it. 

Steve had jogged along stiddy 

For ten months or so. 

And set aroun' evenin's, nor offered to go 

Where he couldn't take Kit ; 

But those long, tethered months, — they made 

Steven fit 
For most any old thing when he broke away 
From the post ! And fur Steven, this was the 

day! 

[37] 



Ten months ain't so long, if you say it right 

quick ; 
But Steve had stuck close, — an' he want bom 

to stick. 
That's the whole o' the matter, — right straight 

up an' down, — 
Steve would have broke ten hearts, but he'd git 

in to town ! 

I argue there's some men that's born to be tied. 

An' no one could drive 'em from hum if they 
tried. 

These are as domestic as Tabby, I vow ; 

If they hadn't their comfort, they'd purr any- 
how! 

Then there's cats that's like Steven ; 
They wander fur fair ! 
Except times fur feedin', 
They never are there ! 
They're mangy, an' battered. 
One-eyed an' all that. 
This specie of mankind 
That's jus' like this cat. 

Yes, it's hard on the wimmin, I must confess. 
They all have their troublesome lives, more or 

less! 
But when God made the beautiful garden o' 

flowers 

[38] 



Which is so like the wimmin in this world o' ours, 
He made a bouquet of varieties many, 
An' yer favorite flower, if you can pick any. 
Needn't shut the whole garden abloom out o' 

sight ? 
If you choose a rose, there's a lily, all white, 
A-waitin' fur some one, — 
An' good enough, quite ! 

But you can't have both lily an' rose, it is true, 
Unless the old Nick's got a firm hold on you ! 



[39] 



UP TO MIKE 

The baby's cum down to Cy's place. 
He says it's got a purty face, 
An' seems to look some like its mother; 
But it's a girl. He hoped he wouldn't have 
another. 

This makes five girls. An' Cy, he said 
The Lord must have a feather bed 
Jus' full o' girls thet was his lot. 
A boy he wants, — but it was not. 

There's one thing thet I can't see through. 
If doctors do all thet they do. 
Why can't we have jus' what we like, — 
A boy or girl? Do you see, Mike? 



[40] 



SAM'S CHANCE 

" 'TwAs more 'an twenty years ago 
This comin' month, since Sam 
Rebuilt the oldtime homestead here, 
An' stopped the mill-creek's dam, 

" Expectin' nevermore to work. 
But rest an' take his ease; 
But these 'ere social women-folks, 
They're dreadful hard to please. 

" Sam made the place a palace sure, — 
A hired man, an' a girl ; 
But when she cum down frum Noo York, 
She fetched a social whirl 

" With all their gew-gaws an' fine airs ; 
An' never did a thing 
But eat an' sleep an' * entertain,' 
An' flash thet diamond ring 

** Sam's mother left to be his wife's 
When she last made her will; 
She left Sam, but she kept thet ring ! 
Si thinks she's got it still. 

" The place has ben shut up an' nailed 
Nigh onto eighteen years ; 
They tell about a ghost that walks. 
An' sheds real human tears! 
[41] 



" Sam took a chance, like all the rest ! 
He bragged, an' called her * pet ' ; 
But she was just a parasite 
That et an' slept an' et." 



[42] 



WHAT'S HAPPINESS? 

What's happiness, you're askin' me? 
There ain't none 'round, as I can see ! 
So you can't want me to describe 
A member of the happy-tribe. 
But jus' what's my idee? 
I see; I see. 

Wal, — happiness, it seems to me, 

Is some illusive subtlety! 

Some somethin', thet men never git, 

Specially them thet hunts fur it. 

It seems the folks of quality 

Ain't found it more 'an you and me I 

It does seem strange, I must confess. 
Men seldom meet with happiness. 
Nor have I talked with anyone 
Who ever has, all said an' done. 

True happiness is seldom found 

Until we're underneath the ground 

The Maker give to bless us all 

With its sweet Summer, Spring, an' Fall ! 

Life's winter snows, an' wind that blows 
Men let them freeze their hearts an' veins. 
So, when they're past, there's not a flower 
That's left to blossom 'neath spring rains ! 
[43] 



I've never sought fur happiness; 
I've just accepted what has came! 
But that its face is little known, 
It seems, by heck, a cryin' shame! 



[44] 



MISFITS 

You'll have to git up early an' set up late, 
If you keep a wreck record of the married state. 
In our little township by gee, thar's three 
That hev gone to smash quite recently. 
There's Ezra Buck an' his foreign bride 
That Buck was braggin' of far an' wide; 
She's ducked, an' shipped agin fur France; 
They say she left him fur this new dance. 

Then there's Bill McGee and his family. 

There ain't no finer pedigree 

In the world, — least not this country, — • 

Than Bill McGee's. They say the sprees 

Up there on top the hill 

Has cost him many a doctor bill. 

An' that purty gal what married Sam 

(An' fed him mostly on cold ham 

'Cause she couldn't cook an' she wouldn't 

cook), — 
That gal was purty as a picter-book! 
She's gone, — they say up to Noo York 
Where the light ones drift at last like cork. 
I ast where she was, las' nite, of Sam ; 
Said he " didn't know, or care a damn." 



[45] 



SKINEM AND COMPANY 

Old Skinem's on his job again: 
He says that warfare's pangs an' pain 
Has got to net him some big game. 
But he would skin 'em jus' the same 
Without the war fur an excuse; 
He don't need war fur that abuse. 

There ain't a thing at Skinem's store 
That is the price it was of yore ; 
From taters up to plums has riz, 
So no one can afford gin-fiz. 
I carried home, right in one mitt, 
A dollar's worth, — jus' think of it! 

If Skinem's granddad was alive 
(He made his, back in sixty-five), 
They'd own a store like Marshall Field's, 
An' bless the Kaiser fur the deals. 
You say that Skinem has no health ? 
If he could git it like his wealth. 
He'd swipe it off'n you an' me. — 
Thank God some things is like they be! 



[46] 



WINGS 

She was so tiny, — leetle mite of a thing ; 
Used to make me think of a gauzy wing! 
I knowed she'd never live ; she wa'n't for earth ; 
We said it first when she was cauled at birth. 

She was so wise. That little girl knew things 
We never found how she knew. We felt her 

wings ! 
When she told her Ma, " I saw an angel here," 
We knowed she saw it; we didn't think 'twas 

queer. . 

Next momin' when I fetched the milk-pail in, 

An' saw 'twas cryin' Louisa had been, 

I knowed what the angel had cum for; knowed 

the rest: 
I'd always felt she belonged to the saints ; 
An' I ain't surprised thet the Lord knows best. 



[47] 



DRESSED, UNDRESSED 

That gal in front dressed in white gauze 
Or bobinet, or tarlatan 
(I never knew the names o' stuff! 
An' anyhow, I am a man), — 

She came down on the car with me; 
An' men jus' broke their necks to see 
Her get off at the comer there ! 
She's not a thing on she could spare. 

If girls will dress, un-dress, like that. 
An' walk the city thoroughfare. 
It wa'n't so bad for Godivey, 
For cause, to wear her suit o' hair! 

I reckon if it was today, 
There'd be no Peepin' Toms, I guess ; 
She'd scarcely draw a curious throng. 
So martyrs out without a dress! 



[48] 



NACHERLY 

Nacherl-y, Jim expected praise, 
When the day closed in 

An' the night fell down ; 
But 'tain't what Eliza give him ; 
She never bestowed no crown, 
An' said they wouldn't fit men*s heads. 
For angels were all female! 

So she hammered, an' knocked. 

An' chewed the rag. 
Till Jim took to drinkin' ale. 
An' loafin', an' never goin' home 
So long as there was a place to go 
That would take him in, an' let him be : 
An' Jim wasn't fast; he was slow. 

Nacherly Jim was just a boy 

(Though the Book might read he was forty- 

five) 
When they found him froze in a vacant lot, — 
As sure as you're alive. 

Well, — they took him 

Where, — they thought, — 

he lived; 
An' a buxom wife cum to the door. 
" 'Deed he don't I That bat-eared bum, 
I never saw before ! " 

[49] 



Nacherly, — 'twas Eliza's way ! 
One o' them wimmin yo' can't bet on. 
They took poor Jim down to the morgue 
That mornin' jus' 'fore dawn J 

Humless he lived, an' humless died, 
With a wife, an' a brace o' kids ! 
Nacherly, 'tw'a'n't his lot in life ; 
But Jim went with the " Skids! *' 



[50] 



BANKRUPT 

Steve got into debt. 

He'd go on a spree, then come to see me, 

An' say he got soused " to forget." 

Forget? Forget what? 

Steve's was a fair lot; 

I'd sooner remember than to be a sot, — 

But we all have our'n, 

An' Steven has his, — like as not. 

You see he was too young to marry ; 
He never had sown a wild oat, 
Or had any sweethearts, — no nary ; 
He was tame as a meadow-lark's note. 

Steve picked up a gal 'cause she loved him 
An' swore that she couldn't live on 
'Less Steven would love her an' wed her. 
An' — the boy's heart an' soul's just in pawn. 

He's dyin' fur love of some other 
(Beats hell how cross-current love runs), 
An' his wife, — why, she's gone to her brother, 
Took with her their two little sons. 

Steve says he's in debt, an' some bankrupt, 
An' jus' to forget goes an' sprees ; 
Why, there he is now, — see him yonder. 
Out there 'neath the mulberry trees? 

[51] 



Never marry a gal 'cause she loves you : 
Never marry no gal 'less you're sure 
That the rest of the world would seem bankrupt 
'Less you got her, — you'd always be poor. 

There's Steven, — but what can I tell you? 
You're young, an' won't listen to me. 
Jus' look at him soused full o' licker; 
To forget, he's jus' dreamin' he's free. 



[52] 



BET-CHER-LIFE ! 

Ain't got no sense ; but an appetite 
John D. would envy me! 
Ain't got nothin'. Bloomin' broke ! 
But happy ? — Gee ! 
As happy as can be ! ! 
Ain't paid the rent ; ain't got a cent ; 
Yes, got my pay, — but don't know where it 
went ! 

Ain't this ole worl' grand? 

It beats the band 

How happy a feller can be ! . ; . 

Naw, I ain't got no wife; 

Not me! I'm free! 

Bet-cher-life ! 



[53] 



MUSH 

" Lovey's " clasping " Dovey's " hand 

In the subway train; 

" Goo-goo " making eyes at " Pet," 

Fifty-on-the-wane ! 

" Baby " cooing gruel talk 

In the shops, — on the board walk. 

Just behind my opera chair 

There's another purling pair! 

" Freddie," sitting in the park, 

Arm 'round " Maizie's " waist, 

In the midst of winter-time 

Surely is bad taste. 

" Algie " in a taxi-cab, 

Cuddled up in arms of " Mab." 

Mush is spilling over 

Everywhere one goes ! 

Girls will soon be wearing 

Still a few less clothes J 

If Grandma could come back to earth 

And see the sights we see, — 

What on earth would Grandma think 

Of " Goo-goo," Mab and Me? 



[64] 



AN EPITAPH 

Old Gene Dare was a devil ; 
There ain't no smoothin' it o'er. 
An' he was the spike-tail variety 
That 'tends to hell's fire with a blower ! 

His wife was afraid of her life while he lived ; 
An' his young'uns ? He scared them to death ! 
They died from the fear of a father's wrath ; 
While livin', they ne'er drew a happy breath ! 

He uttered no word, but just a growl, 
An' a grunt, 'ceptin' an oath now an' then ; 
If there's a heaven for wolves, he's in it, 
Now he's gone beyond folks' ken! 

The neighbors, they cried for joy when he died; 
An' the hull village was rid of a sore 
An' festered old varmint, — all mighty glad 
In their hearts that old Dare is no more. 



[55] 



THE GAME OF LIFE 

A CHANCE to play the Game of Life 

Will some day come your way ; 

But if your hand is minus trumps, 

Oh, lack-a-day! 

Can't see any way to win? 

Take a desperate chance! 

Use your brain-machine most up. 

Playing it free-lance! 

Then the last trick's on the board ; 

What's your final card? 

Beat ! As sure as you are bom I 

Lost the game, old pard. 



[56] 



PEDIGREES 

Odds-bodkins! Zooks 1 Bejabbers! 
With their old " family-tree ! " 
I'm interested in the woods 
More than their pedigree ! 
The Popin jinks and Kitchensinks 
Are brothers " 'neath their skins " ; 
And all the Is-es and Would-bes 
Date back to Might-Have-Beens ! 

The pattern of the silver birch, 
Ne'er made a maple tree ! 
The oak and pine and walnut 
Compete our forestry! 
The cherry, balsam, olive, elm, — 
What fairer trees than these? 
Odds-bodkins I Zooks! Bejabbers! 
With Highjinks pedigrees! 



[67] 



PLAIN 

She was just what she was ; 
There wa'n't no pretendin' about her ! 
No falseness, deceivin', nor sham; 
Her mind was just like her appearin', — 
Frank, honest, and free of flim-flam! 

Most folks said she was plain; 
All I know is 'twas plain she was fine 
And steadfast, high-souled and true. 
If you're lookin' for one in a hundred, 
I'd sure recommend her to you. 



[58] 



JAKE'S ESTIMATE 

'Tis purty much the same old life, 
No matter where you live it! 
Born, edicated, gradjewated, 
Marry, work, eat, sleep, and die. 
The only difference is the lot 
You're born in ; what ye give it ; 
An' if you're in the hard-tack class 
Or have riz to cream an' pie! 

'Tis purty much the same old life, — 
In Skeedunk or Japan ; 
An' livin' means jes' do yer best, — 
The durndest best ye can ! 



[59] 



THE PRICE 

Standin' room is all that's left, 
'Cept a box for four ! 
That will cost you twenty bucks, 
Something less or more. 
Will you? Can you? Have to! Do! 
What a fellow ought to 
Seldom cuts the ice; 
Everybody's doing it, — 
So we pay the price! 

Health is gone ; there's nothing left 

'Cept a pile of rocks, 

But a pile of wisdom's stored 

'Neath rather scanty locks ! 

It has cost an awful lot. 

Though we would, or we would not ; 

Do we? — Must we? — Made to! — Pay! 

Keep the change! (We're nice.) 

Ring the curtain down, by heck. 

We will pay the price ! 



[60] 



TWO TIMES ONE 

Two times one make two : 

This is the rule, 

And 'tis the same in love 

As 'twas in school. 

Should you doubt 'tis true, 

I would advise you, 

If your $ $ $ are few, 

To get your 'rithmetic 

Before you pick 

The girl, — and stick 

To multiplication I 

Then you will learn 

How in the nation 

You made two one ! 

An' when your chum 

Springs the same sum 

Onto you, 

When he's got it bad 

(Have figures true!) 

You just look sad 

An' say you thought he knew 

That two times one made two ! 



[61] 



STEVE — PRODIGAL 

Yes, Steve has come home ! 

These fellers that roam, 

Seekin' new pasture or some foreign loam. 

They alius come back 

If you leave 'em alone. 

It's the strangest thing yet that I've made a 

note of, 
That a man can't be tied even though he's in 

love. 
Though the ministers forge every link known to 

God, 
A woman's bare shoulders must bend to this 

rod! 
Kit says that's the reason wimmin want their 

votes : 
'Tis not to wear breeches, but cease bein' goats 
Fur the men who ain't fair to their fine wimmin- 

folks! 

Will it lighten this yoke.f^ I dunno! Seems 

too fur ahead! 
But wimmin wont' give up this hope till they're 

dead I 

I incline some to their side. Men are bad as can 

be. 
If wimmin can better 'em, I'd like to see 

[62] 



'Em given the chance, now it seems to me. 
But there's no use to claim that every abuse 
Will be rectified then; or every excuse 
Will be made for the men ! 

You know, you must know, there ain't nothin' 
to it, — 

A man can be led, but not driv up to it ! 

The archangels in heaven can't alter the truth 

That when God made us men (us who are men, 
forsooth), 

'Twas to rule in the kingdom of heaven on 
earth. 

And the kingdom of love, where we're all of one 
birth. 

And to rule our own selves, — our passions and 
vices, — 

With the manhood born in us that needs no ad- 
vices. 

I don't claim when a woman is bound to a brute, 
That no law should free her, or she should be 

mute; 
But there's no wimmin's votes can make men 

out o' brutes, 
No more than bass-drums could ever be flutes ! 



[63] 



TILDY-ELLEN 

Matilda wants to buy a cow, 
An' her an' John has had a row 
About the kind o' cow she'll buy, 
An' what she'll pay, an' reasons why. 

She saved the money up herself, 

An' hid it on the pantry-shelf. 

By sellin' eggs an' garden-stuff; 

But, then, it seems, that ain't enough, — 

She's got to do jus' as he likes. 

There'll always be rows, — yas, an' strikes,- 
S'long as wives like Tildy-Ellen 
'LI pass theirs over without yellin' ! 



[64] 



PROSPECTIN' 

James Haine's son cum hum today. 

He says there ain't no sum could pay 

Him to live in no city ! 

Says city-folks lack pity, 

An' seem to be all fur theirselves ! 

He says in all his travelin' 'round, 

There ain't no place as he has found 

That ever was as good as home. 

If folks that roam would cum to see 

Things just exactly as they be. 

An' how home's good enough, says he, 

Men wouldn't sink with ships at sea ! 

He says there ain't no charity 

Where men are herded up like cattle ! 

There's so much strife up there, an' battle. 

To git the things to eat an' wear ; 

An' there's a premium on air. 

Which just the rich can have, up there ! 

James Haine's son has turned out fair, 
An' will with any here compare. 
He prospected, an' looked 'round some. 
An' wheeled an' turned agin back hum 
Becuz he found there ain't no place 
O'ercrowded, on the earth's broad face. 
That's goin' to breed a healthy race! 

[65] 



A BLACK EYE 

" What give poor Maggie thet black eye ? 
Grace asked her, but she won't reply. 
D'you suppose that brute she wed 
Has struck that lick upon her head ? 
D'you suppose he'd dare to do it? 
I'd like to know. He'd surely rue it." 

" Go slow now, Jake, fur heaven's sake. 
You know Doc is a drunken rake ; 
An' she knew when she roped him in, 
He wa'n't no lily, free from sin ! 
A man's a perfick right to do 
With his own as he likes to do, 
An' if she'll stan' fur knocks an' blows 
A drunkard or a brute bestows, — 
Wal, I dunno, as marriage goes, 
Thet she's worse off than most I knows 
Who don't git cuffed, but sure git licked! 
Jus' leave 'em be ; 'most all are tricked." 



[66] 



MISSIONARY WORK 

Ain't never goin' to have no sense ; 
Ain't never got enough; 
Ain't got no ideals chasin' me ; 
Would sooner be a tough. 

Ain't goin' to pray my way through life ; 

Would rather tango, — see? 

So all yer tears is wasted 

If you're sheddin' 'em for me. 

Ain't sayin' nuthin' 'bout yer prayers, 

Fur they are yourn, b'gosh. 

Don't bother me, but let me be ; 

Stop talkin' all yer josh 

'Bout edication bein' fine an' helpin' one through 

life. 
It's busted-up Ned Parson's home ; — 
He'd an edicated wife. 
She set an' read her books all day, 
An' never done her part ; 
While she was follerin' literachure 
She lost Ned Parson's heart. 

She thought her sense was in the lead, 
An' scorned to look behind ; 
A heart's a lump of human clay ; 
No wings can make a mind. 

[67] 



So leave me be ; I'm what I am ; 
An' life, it's sweet to me. 
If bent on missionary-work,— 
Go tackle the Chinee. 



[68] 



IN THE DISCARD 

I SHORE do miss the old time folks 
With all their pretty ways, — 
The kind we knew before these flimsy, 
Slashed-up, naked days. 

I shore do think it scandalous 
The way the wimmin dress. 
An' as fur dancin', — it's the worst 
That English could express. 

I shore do love a modest girl 
With old-time grace an' charm. 
But these 'ere bang-up, brazen days 
Are pilin'-up alarm. 

If I'd a girl, or I'd a boy, 

I'd worry so about 'em. 

All life would be a worriment, 

An' I'm glad that I'm without 'em. 

For the way folks sing an' dance an' dress 
Is so filled with temptation 
That every place we go leads straight 
Down to bow-wow demnation. 



[69] 



WHEN PA WAS YOUNG 

When Pa was young, he had to guess 
What forms was like 'neath crinoline ! 
Land sakes ! Gals never showed themselves 
Like your girl does today, — an' mine ! 

Pa says that beaux ran chances great, 
When they picked out their partners then ! 
Whate'er folks say, the present day 
Of fashions 'zackly please the men. 

Poor Ma looks awful cross at Pa, 
Who's jined the oglers and the winkers ; 
She says no married man should go 
Outdoors without a pair o' blinkers ! 



[70] 



VICTORY 

It's in you, Bill ; you can make good ! 

Yer father was a man ! 

All things have been agin' you, Bill, 

Since first when you began ! 

But that's no sign they'll always be; 

Just talk this over now with me. 

An' see right where we stan' ! 

Yer father never drank, yo' know; 

His brain machine was clean! 

His word was law, and his bond, too ! ■ 

The squarest man I've seen. 

Yer father never sowed wild oats, 

So never had to thrash 'em ; 

He never knew a chorus girl, 

Sowa'n't tempted to mash 'em. 

Yer, father. Bill, was everything 

A father ought to be ; 

Why youWe so run down at the heel, 

Bill, nobody can see! 

A son of such a dad as your'n, 

It's plain as it can be. 

Can brace up any time, old man, 

And win the victory! 



[71] 



HUNKEY DOREY 

Old Hunkey Dorey " cuts it out," 

An' says, " What's all this war about ? 

It makes no difference to me 

What's gobbled up across the sea. 

I lived in the past century, — 

Made mine when darkies were set free. 

There was some stealin' ? — I should shout. 

But say, — what's this 'ere war about? " 

Now Hunkey Dorey's fist is shut ; 

He's a mean and stingy nut. 

He's got his where 'twill grow an' thrive, 

An' thanks his stars he is alive. 

In " cuttin' down an' cuttin' out " 

He is a miserly old lout. 

He buy a paper? Never. Would sooner save 

his cents. 
So the news flies by him, — an' he hasn't any 

sense. 

He smokes his pipe an* drinks his stout 
As newsboys " Wuxtry " loudly shout ; 
An' while folks hurry in an' out, 
Asks, " What's this foreign war about? " 



[72] 



MARTHY-ANN'S STYLE 

Marthy-Ann was the talk o' the town ! 

She'd ben to Noo York, an' in fac' all around, 

An' cum hum with suffrage idees 

An' one o' them skirts 

Slit up like men's shirts, 

An' as tight as the bark on the trees, — 

If you're askin' me ! 

Gee! She was some pippin 

With her rippin' style. 

The hoosiers, they eyed her, — 

An', gosh, how they guyed her! 

Bless Gawd, you could hear 'em a mile ! 

The preacher what comes to preach Sundays 

from Sayville, 
Allowed that no gal can be good that will 
Dress in that style; 
An' his text he took frum it, — 
" The shame of our wimmin, 
A-dressin' fur church. 
Like they's goin' in swimmin' ! " 

So the durn style an' fashion 

That Marthy fetched hum, got some lashin' 

That will do the gals good ! 

For Si said if his'n 

Should copy from Marthy, 

[73] 



He'd hide hisself off in the wood, 
Or put her in pris'n ! 

So score one fur Sayville's young rector; 
For the young gals he sure stands protector ! 

What! Marthy's horse-whipped him! 
On the way hum from church ! 
Don't these wimmin beat h-U 
On their high suffrage perch ! 



[7*] 



KATYDID FARM 

At Katydid Farm, thirteen miles from the town, 
They take summer boarders to keep losses down 
An' run profits up, if you're askin' me ! 
City-folks sure get stung, — 

And not from a bee ! 

Thirty-two, Marthy said, she counted in sight, 
A-drinkin' skim-milk an' sleepin' outdoor at 

night. 
An' feedin' mosquitoes superfluous flesh; 
They brought out to leave at Katydid Farm, 
To go back to town with less flesh an' more 

charm! 

How they rave when the meaders are wavin' with 
grain ! 

How they bluster about just a weed, gives me 
pain! 

The most on 'em ne'er saw a heifer before ! 

They balk, and they shy, an' they run from 'em, 
shore ! 

But the best I've heard yet 'bout folks at the 
farm. 

Is the lonesome young miss they call the school- 
marm: 

No one seems to know her : 
She wants to know none! 

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She rides, walks, sets alone, till day's over and 

done! 
She's writin' a book, or mebbe a play, — 
Them writin'-folks always is queer, so they say ! 
She asked Cy a question today at the cove : 
" When a farmer's in love here, how does he 

make love? " 

Cy's a skittish young stallion, — 

Won't stand 'less he's hitched! 

What he answered her, wish I knew, I'll be 

switched ! 
Cy blushed when he told it, — 

I recall that he did ; 
Cy's a lovin' young buck ! — 
Wal, — Cy's onli^ a kid. 



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A SIGHT OR TWO 

" Tain't so, Hain't so," said farmer Pete, 
While we were walkin' down the street ; 
" All gals is just alike to me, 
An' purty they all seem to be. 
But up here on Fifth Avenue 
I note a bran new gal or two 
I never see before 
(Least, not in Hoosick Falls). 

" I stan' here in the tavern door 
An' look these fillies o'er and o'er, — 
It's show enuf fur me ! 
Las' nite most every opery-stall 
Held ladies with no clothes at all. 
Who didn't even seem to know 
That of themselves they made a show. 

" Now this gits me. In Hoosick Falls 
Of course we have no opery-stalls 
An' no Fifth Avenue. 
They fetch me here each year, my dear. 
To git a sight or two." 



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NARROWED DOWN 

Why, narrowed down, it cum to this,— 
Hi expected too much frum wedded bliss, 
Fur one so imperfick as Hiram Tree, 
Shouldn't look fur compatibility 
'Less he chose his kind, — to drink an' spree. 
Would you set ducks on hens' eggs, by gee. 
An' expect a brood like the settin'-thing — 
Web o' foot an' blue o' wing? 

Fur, narrowed down, they're of different name ; 
They may 'pear alike, — but are not the same ! 
Some things is gom* that ought to came, — 
An' that's like this 'ere marriage-game. 



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FOR A TRUTH 

'Tis nayther ye nor I can say 
Just whin the war will end, colleen ; 
It calls to mind that pesky day 
I left yure Ma an' marched away 
To the " Wearin' of the Green." 

Ye were not born thin, my colleen ; 
None braver than yure Ma so true. 
Ye*d grown that high afore I'd seen 
Me own young-one, — the loikes ov you. 

'Tis brave are the lads that go to war, 

And brave are the wives, that sthay at home ; 

Many's the one shot down afar 

From their heart, — and buried in alien loam. 

'Tis I, who have heard the cursed shells 
An' seen the blood-bespathered breast. 
Can say for a truth that " war is hell," 
An' the peace of the wurld is best. 



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MIGHT-HAVE-BEENS 

" I'm just a human bein', with his failin's an' his 

sins ; 
I'm not a Izzer or Would-Be, — one of the 

Might-Have-Beens. 

I don't pretend I'm perfick. Don't want none 

to believe 
That I'm a sheep in a saint's coat, when the 

goat-brand's on my sleeve. 

I'm jus' a human bein'. An' I thank the Lord 

for this: 
I'm not deceivin' no one ; an' my soul's jus' what 

it is." 



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FURGET IT! 

If scandal-mongers drive you mad, 
Or slighting friends would make you sad, — 
Furget it ! 

Take in long breaths of good fresh air ; 
Let off the worry, spit out the care, — 
Furget it ! 

Think something that will cheer and soothe. 
And watch your wrinkled brow grow smooth,- 
Furget it ! 

If all the time you've thought you're it, 

Your friends take in your sails a bit, — 

Furget it ! 

Most fames and names are laid aside 
When folks are given their last long ride ! 
Furget it ! 

O God, how bright the world would be 
If others faults we could not see. 
What heaven right here for you, for me, — 
Could we — furget it ! 



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